Being a mum

My job….

People always ask me what I do for a job. The truth is I work as a mum, a part time business owner and a part time executive assistant. Nothing crazy pretty grey to be honest. My hardest job by far is being a mum, it is not often considered as a job. It is often just a given, something women often do along side other jobs or keeping a house together (housekeeper, is an actual job). I didn’t know how hard it would be, there was not written contract, no job terms, no agreement at all.

I worked as a nanny for many years before I had a baby, I am a trained early year specialist and teacher. I also have a masters in Psychology, my understanding of the human mind, learning and behaviour is pretty well rounded and would be fair to say higher than the average person. I was not expecting to find it so hard. Surprisingly its not being a mum that is hard, I know what my child needs, I am kind and comforting and confident with my approach. He is a very secure and well-rounded child. What I find painfully hard is the loneliness.

Every day I face being on my own with him I face the feeling of being alone. Of existing in a world which continues turning around me while I stand in the middle locked into my brain and the chat of my baby. I don’t have other lives to fill my brain with like I did before being a mum and going to a regular job. I don’t have the worry of if I will get my work done in time and what does the boss think of me. I am my own boss, some people would say I am lucky not to work, that I have the freedom to do what I want each day. However, this could not be more wrong, I am constrained by naps, feeding time, bedtime, bath time, toys working the way they should, the need to be on call for comfort whenever is needed. I can’t even go to the toilet in peace.

I have made mum friends; I go to groups regularly but this doesn’t stop the feeling of being alone. I don’t have anything bigger going on in my life which offers me other people, connection to people. Being a mum for me is hardest thing I have ever done. It never stops but all I can hope is that one day it gets easier and find who I am again. Honestly, if someone asked me who I am or what I like I wouldn’t even begin to know how to answer that question. I feel like all I am trying to be all the time is a good mum and a good wife. I am not a good me.