I am back… I guess because again it has become a necessity for me to share my thoughts as a way to start processing them. Life has been a whole army of chaos over the last year it really has become quite unruly and just plain out of control!
I worked for the summer from about April 2014- October 2014 it was an amazing summer, I really enjoyed my job and the people I had working in my team where amazing! I loved training them and working closely with them and i guess i just really enjoyed being the expert, being admired and looked up to. Having said this the office politics within the senior roles were ridiculous. I do not think i helped at all though to be honest!
Start of summer: April, me and Tom the infamous ex were back together again, things were tough but we were working hard and enjoying things 🙂 We were both happier together than apart thats for sure! May comes around….. I took him away for his birthday which was lovely but something wasn’t quite right… I caught him watching telly for a long period of time whilst having sex with me!! Not really okay considering the film was ‘Click’ (which if you don’t know is quite emotional). So we got back things were a bit rough and he sort of decided he wanted out… we had some pretty traumatic phone calls and then called it off all together. This was pretty heartbreaking considering this wasn’t the first time we had be in this situation.
So then came the time for me to experience the summer single, not new to me as the summer before I has also been single, I quite quickly started seeing a guy i met on Tinder, he really was lovely, kind, thoughtful and interesting but there was just no spark, no passion so that didn’t last long. I then spent the rest of the summer getting close with one of the senior managers, who i must point out was living with and in a long term relationship with another member of senior staff. As you can imagine this ticked her off no end! I mean he wasn’t happy and nor was she, not my place I know but still has to be said. To add to this no quite awkward situation her best friend was my manager, she didn’t like our closeness at all. This really began to drive a rift in our friendship towards the end of the summer. At the same time as me being close to this manager man there was also another on of the other staff members I was spending alot of time with, watching films cuddling and just chilling out together. I guess I was getting the comfort i needed from this and it was nice having someone so wanting in my life but I didn’t want him so this wasn’t going to last. So to sum things up, I ended up sleeping with manager man and seriously pissing off the other guy as although no one knew about the manager man and I, my repeated rejection appeared to piss him off.
End of the summer is looming now and a girl I have been having fun with over summer starts to appear a bit more than just a friend, I should point out now I have never been into girls until her and probs won’t be again. Although I am a true believer of its the person you fall for not the sex so of course there will be anomalies. So anyway we grew close and the time for me to return to uni grew close, we spent alot of time together and after I drunkenly kissed her things sort of just sped off from there. I really enjoyed our closeness to start with but it soon became apparent that I was her carer more than anything else. I mean she really was hopeless at being self supportive and became so needy and desperate. She well and truly brought out the worst in me, we had such blazing rows and she really knew how to push my buttons. So I knew I wanted out after about a month, but I didn’t want to hurt her and didn’t really know how not to. Any way i began pushing her away, and this is how we lead to my current romantic status, I play ultimate frisbee, have done for about 2 years. I was at a tournament, the first I had had been to when i didn’t have any of my close friends there. I had gone because of the guys i played with regularly had asked if I was and I saw as an escape from the girl and some fun with him, platonic fun, he was in a long term relationship and had spoken to me about his proposal plans so defo nothing was going to happen. We spent the whole weekend in each others pockets, we went swimming in game breaks and just chatted about everything in fact the conversation didn’t really stop compared relationships and it became more apparent his relationships had more cracks then i thought.
Anyway I am not sure I have the emotional strength to rehash our relationship journey right now but it really was something quite special, we both broke up with our partners, she moved out, Start of the new year placement was looming and dissertation was due he helped a lot with the final parts of this!! I was pretty stressed about placement as I was being put into a school I really wasn’t happy about and about 40 mins away from home. With his support I reckon I was up for the challenge.. for the first 3 weeks we had a really good thing going on… we stayed alternate nights at each other placed and spent every moment together when we were not at work. It really was amazing, and the sex, the best I think i will ever experience, so connected to someone it was amazing. I knew in the back of my mind the whole time that it wasn’t healthy for him to jump straight out of such a serious relationship into one with me but I was happy to ride it out… then came the night when he decided he needed to try to again with his ex. It was rough and ever since it has been rough over the last 2 months he has changed his mind several times as to who he wants, he is an emotional wreck and I have been his buffer, although this time has been rough it has also had some really amazing times which I am grateful for.
But tonight has seen it all come to a head, we were seeing how things went and enjoying each others company but the lack of commitment was getting to me and he couldn’t cope with feeling guilty all the time. Guilty when he missed me and missed her at the same time like he wasn’t being fair to either of us. Then there is that element that he is just using me to give him comfort. Any way the ins and outs are pointless the position I am in now is that we are waiting a few weeks to see how things go not talking or seeing each other and have agreed to meet in a few weeks time. I am worried he will never message but we still play on the same team so who knows.
So basically I am lonely now and in a bit of dis pear as what to do.
Along side the love life, alot of other things have been happening, so I dropped off placement and have chosen to change my course so I will not come out as a qualified teacher, my car exploded so my dad brought me a new shit one AMAZING but emotional blackmail all the way, I owe a ridiculous amount of rent and seem to be be forever in debt 😦 with no way of paying it. I have been attempting to spend some time to find myself and learn to deal with things a bit better but not really managing as of yet, this has meant alot of talking to friends about my issues and has now led to me feeling a mixture of shame and embarrassment as also now means they ask me how things are alot more which makes me talk more and it isnt really solving any of my issues.
I have also been offered a potential new job full time permanent for when i graduate and have been offered a job in america for the summer two amazing things to of happened only prob is both expensive things to set up so I now alongside owing rent here have to figure out how to fund these other things as the job requires me moving about 1.5 hours away to London. So this is my current dilemma I need to solve whilst also worrying about the new love being okay and hoping he wants me at the end of all this so we can get married and babies and live happily ever after!!
I think it has helped writing it all down but I still don’t know how to solve it, maybe there really is nothing to solve, I need the money for the practicalities but perhaps then i just carry on living and stop worrying about how i dealing with things? maybe that’s the way forward, accepting that all this is just who i am and just me, that maybe i don’t follow what society would deam normal or all the moutains of advice from my loved ones but i do things my way and that’s just how i work.
MMM this is all food for thought… but i need sleep
Apologies for the massive offload it’s prob the most boring un sense making post your ever read.
Keep smiling 🙂